How do you talk to yourself?

Lovingkindness (Pali, metta) apparently has same root as the word Maitri or Meeta. Meeta is a Pali/Hindi word that means “sincere loving friend”. Metta is then a kind of egoless innocent friendship that can exist between two kids.

We often have transactional, utilitarian and instinctive needs: I need emotional or financial security, I need you to adore me, I need someone to cook for me, I need someone to hug or make love with, I need my children to like me. There is nothing wrong in having these very “human” needs or having our needs met. But a need-based care or respect for someone is not really lovingkindness. Ayya Khema, born in Germany to Jewsih parents and trained in several Asian countries once wrote, “Lovingkindness is not an emotion resulting from the presence of a lovable person, or because somebody is worthy of love.”

When the Buddha talked about lovingkindness, he was talking about a quality of the heart that makes no distinction among any living being.

But we can’t force ourselves to become everyone’s Meeta by shaming ourselves. Most of us need to pass through the portal of loving ourselves and embracing angry, broken, ashamed, hurting parts of ourselves. I often ask people to observe “How do you talk to yourself? Are you your own meeta? Have you sat with your own sadness, loneliness, anger or fear like a sincere friend would do?” I also tell people that if you can’t muster enough groundedness to access your own brokenness, perhaps find someone in the human or more-than-human relam who can love unconditionally. It is through watching loving behaviour of others that we can develop our inner muscle of loving ourselves.

It is not possible to love others without unconditionally loving our own broken parts. But for some people, they seem to be able to love others but they struggle to love themselves. Both are important. Loving all beings includes loving yourself.

May you be your own meeta. Please talk to yourself with kindness.